Brought to you by the Four-Legged Executive Team at Brewed Ambitions
To: All Blog Readers, Business Owners, and Treat-Hoarders
From: The Office Dogs (aka The Real MVPs)
Subject: An Honest Review of Human Productivity (Plus a Few Strong Opinions)
Greetings, humble humans.
As the self-appointed, completely qualified, and very underpaid office staff of Brewed Ambitions, we felt it was time to speak up. There’s only so much one can endure in silence (especially when silence is frequently broken by DoorDash deliveries and uninvited Zoom calls).
So today, we’re reporting in with our official weekly memo.
Note: This blog post was compiled during several strategic naps, three bark alerts, and one unfortunate squirrel incident. If we misspelled anything, blame the lack of opposable thumbs.
🐶 1. “Let’s circle back…” (aka We have no idea what’s going on)
The human sat down Monday with a list, a plan, and a color-coded calendar. They had coffee. They had ambition. We had hope.
And then… chaos.
One moment it was social media strategy. The next? Scrubbing baseboards.
We can’t keep up. Literally. Our paws are tired from following her back and forth across the house like furry little project managers.
A direct quote from one of our junior associates:
“She opened Canva, made a graphic, then left to fold laundry. I took a nap and when I woke up she was organizing her sock drawer.”
We recommend:
Pick a task. Stick with it. Finish it. THEN throw the ball. (We like that last part.)
🦴 2. Snack Schedule Review: Unacceptable
Let’s talk about snack flow, shall we?
While the human enjoys two to five coffee breaks per day (we’ve counted), the canine staff is expected to survive on a single biscuit and “a good boy” pat on the head?
Excuse us.
Do you know how many client vibes we support?
Do you know how many delivery people we notify you of?
We’re demanding:
- One treat per Instagram caption created
- Extra rewards for bark-worthy captions
- A shared snack calendar with equitable distribution
We’re unionizing.
🛋️ 3. Productivity Zones: Cozy, Cluttered, and Confusing
You’ve heard of hot desks. Welcome to hot couches — where the laptop shifts locations every hour and we just try not to get sat on.
Our human has three main “offices”:
- The desk (used mostly for piling papers)
- The bed (used mostly for stress scrolling)
- The couch (used exclusively for writing captions while saying, “Okay but just one more episode”)
Look. We’re not judging.
(Okay, we are.)
But if we must lay at your feet for hours while you plan world domination, at least give us consistency. Or a heating pad.
Preferably both.
📣 4. The Motivation Crisis (Yes, We Hear You Cry-Sighing Again)
Every Wednesday, like clockwork, we hear:
“What am I even doing? Is anyone even seeing this content? Do I even HAVE a niche?”
First of all, you’re doing amazing.
Second, yes — people are seeing it. They’re just scrolling mid-Target-run and forgetting to comment. That’s not on you.
Third, your niche is you. You are the niche. Your weirdness, your experience, your vibe. Stop questioning it and start owning it. (We heard that in a podcast while pretending to nap.)
We recommend a treat for every win, even the small ones.
Posted a Reel? Treat.
Checked your Ko-fi? Treat.
Didn’t delete everything in a spiral of perfectionism? Double treat.
We believe in positive reinforcement. (Obviously.)
🧹 5. Office Culture: Needs Work
Let’s talk team-building.
The humans get all the attention. Meanwhile, we show up daily, shed on everything, keep your lap warm, and offer emotional support without benefits.
Do we get mentioned on the About page? Nope.
Do we have our own Instagram highlight? Still nope.
Do we have official titles like Chief Barketing Officer or Director of Snacc Logistics? Triple nope.
Unacceptable.
We propose:
- Headshots (even the blurry ones)
- Name tags (preferably with sparkles)
- At least one blog post per month featuring our wisdom, wisdom which includes deep eye contact and judging your Canva color palette
Until this is remedied, we will be withholding Zoom appearances.
💻 6. CEO Energy Report
The human has shown signs of boss energy, including:
- Actually sending emails
- Not deleting captions every time they re-read them
- Getting on Fiverr and Ko-fi like the ambitious babe she is
However, inconsistencies remain.
For example, last Friday:
- Started a task
- Got overwhelmed
- Took a “quick” walk break
- Ended up watching videos on YouTube about starting a goat farm
We love the energy. We just need it… focused.
We recommend:
- One caffeine-fueled sprint per day (we’ll be nearby, silently judging)
- At least one task was followed through from start to publish
- No farm animals until the CRM is updated
🐾 Final Bark: Keep Going, Even If You’re Barking Mad
We see you, human.
We see how hard you’re trying.
We see the tears, the to-do lists, the Canva tabs, the deleted drafts.
We know you’re spinning a hundred plates while carrying an emotional backpack full of “Am I doing enough?”
You are.
You’re building something real—even if it looks like chaos right now.
You’re showing up.
You’re learning.
You’re tweaking, pivoting, and creating.
That’s the magic.
And we’re proud of you.
Also, we request more belly rubs and a raise.
Sincerely,
The Office Dogs
Chief Barketing Officer & Director of Nap Strategy
(Names withheld for dramatic effect)
