Office Staff Update: Base Camp Has Been Declared Unsafe

Management would like to report that operations at the Birmingham branch remain mostly stable.

Mostly.

Unfortunately, the Office Staff has identified several serious workplace hazards that require immediate attention.

These hazards include:

a squeaky ball,

a television that rotates,

and apparently the general concept of unexpected movement.

We are taking these concerns very seriously.

By “we,” I mean I am laughing at them.

The Squeaky Ball Incident

Let’s begin with the most dangerous object currently located inside Base Camp:

the squeaky ball.

For context, the Office Staff is generally very brave.

They bark at strangers.

They investigate suspicious noises.

They alert management when another dog has committed the unforgivable crime of existing somewhere within eyesight.

But introduce a squeaky ball?

Absolutely not.

Apparently the tiny noise-making sphere has been classified as a threat to national security.

One squeak and suddenly everybody is questioning their life choices.

They approach cautiously.

They retreat.

They stare at it from across the room.

They wait for another employee to deal with it.

Nobody does.

Eventually management has to intervene because productivity has completely stopped and the entire department is emotionally compromised by a toy designed for dogs.

Excellent work, team.

The Rotating TV Conspiracy

Then we have the television.

Our TV at Base Camp rotates.

This is useful for humans because you can angle it toward different parts of the camper.

The Office Staff, however, has apparently decided that televisions should remain stationary at all times.

The first time it moved, you would have thought the camper itself had started transforming into a robot.

Heads tilted.

Eyes widened.

Suspicion increased dramatically.

Someone backed away.

Someone else stared at the television like they were personally betrayed by Samsung, engineering, and modern civilization.

The TV moved approximately two feet.

The dogs responded as though we had summoned a demon.

And because I am a responsible employer, I obviously rotated it again later just to make sure the reaction was repeatable.

For science.

Base Camp Employee Performance Remains Questionable

This week has actually been incredibly productive.

For management.

The Office Staff?

Less so.

Their primary responsibilities currently include:

monitoring snack distribution,

blocking walkways,

sleeping through meetings,

investigating campground noises,

and reporting any suspicious activity involving squeaky toys or moving electronics.

To be fair, morale remains high.

Mostly because compensation is paid in treats.

There have also been several unauthorized naps taken during business hours, but management has chosen not to pursue disciplinary action because the employees are unionized by cuteness.

It is impossible to enforce workplace standards under these conditions.

Working From a Camper Is Basically One Long Team-Building Exercise

Living and working from Base Camp has taught me a few things.

One: I can get a surprising amount of work done when nobody is around to interrupt me every twelve minutes.

Two: you become very aware of how much crap you actually own when your entire living space is roughly the size of someone else’s living room.

And three:

Dogs do not understand small-space living.

There is no concept of personal space.

No respect for office hours.

No understanding that standing directly behind someone while they are carrying coffee is a workplace safety violation.

Everything is communal.

The couch.

The floor.

The bed.

The doorway.

My chair.

My lap.

My ability to breathe.

All shared resources.

Management Has Also Been Under Review

In fairness, management has not exactly been operating professionally either.

There has been a lot of coffee.

Possibly too much coffee.

Things have been rearranged.

Things belonging to other household members may have been moved without authorization.

There have been several conversations involving phrases like:

“Why is this here?”

“Do we actually need this?”

and

“How mad do you think Russ will be if I move this?”

The answer to the last question is usually:

Probably a little.

But sometimes progress requires courage.

The Official Workplace Hazard List

At this point, Base Camp’s official Office Staff hazard list includes:

squeaky balls,

the rotating TV,

unexpected noises outside,

closed doors,

management attempting to work uninterrupted,

and anything that moves when they were not personally consulted first.

Management’s hazard list is slightly different.

It includes:

dogs underfoot,

dog hair,

random cords,

mystery boxes,

a new awning that has apparently been waiting several months for installation,

and furniture that absolutely refuses to fit where I want it to fit.

Both departments believe their concerns are more serious.

Negotiations are ongoing.

Despite Everything, Base Camp Is Working

All jokes aside, this little camper experiment has actually been pretty damn good for productivity.

There are fewer distractions.

Fewer random things pulling my attention in ten directions.

And somehow, even with the Office Staff conducting daily security investigations into squeaky toys, I’ve managed to get a lot done.

Maybe there is something to be said for smaller spaces and fewer distractions.

Or maybe I have finally learned how to work around the chaos.

Probably both.

Either way, Base Camp operations will continue.

The Office Staff remains employed.

The squeaky ball remains under investigation.

And the rotating television has been asked to behave itself.

No promises have been made.

Until next week,

Management ☕️🐾