There has been a development here at Brewed Ambitions headquarters.
Apparently, we are entering what Management is calling a “new era of productivity.”
Nobody consulted the Office Staff.
Nobody circulated a memo.
Nobody offered additional compensation.
And yet somehow, expectations are rising.
This feels illegal.
For months, the Office Staff has operated under a very clear understanding of our job responsibilities:
- bark at suspicious noises
- investigate every bag that enters the building
- monitor snack distribution
- shed aggressively
- supervise bathroom trips
- interrupt productive thoughts
- nap during important meetings
- appear emotionally devastated when denied people food
- provide absolutely no measurable ROI
We believed this arrangement was working beautifully.
The CEO, however, has apparently decided that Brewed Ambitions is becoming a Real Business™.
And frankly, we are concerned.
The CEO Has Been Making Plans Again
You know that look someone gets when they have consumed caffeine and suddenly believe they can reorganize their entire life?
Yeah.
That.
There have been planners involved.
Calendars.
Notes.
Traffic numbers.
SEO conversations.
Pinterest strategies.
Affiliate programs.
Brand partnerships.
And, most concerning of all, a suspicious amount of talk about goals.
The CEO has also announced something about building Brewed Ambitions toward a six-figure annual business.
We do not fully understand what six figures means.
We assume it means six bags of treats.
If so, we support this initiative wholeheartedly.
If not, we would like to renegotiate the terms.
There has also been repeated discussion of a “$100K annual run rate,” which sounds very serious and possibly like something that requires pants.
The Office Staff would like it noted for the record that we are strongly opposed to anything requiring pants.
Headquarters Remains Questionable
Brewed Ambitions headquarters is currently operating from Base Camp.
Base Camp is technically a camper.
Management would probably prefer that we call it something more respectable.
We will not.
This is a mobile corporate campus featuring:
limited square footage, questionable storage decisions, coffee cups in several locations, dog hair in places physics cannot explain, and a constantly changing collection of notebooks, chargers, snacks, blankets, and Important Business Things.
The CEO works from wherever she can create approximately twelve inches of clear surface area.
Sometimes that means a table.
Sometimes it means the bed.
Sometimes it means balancing a laptop near a coffee cup while one member of the Office Staff attempts to sit directly on whatever she is doing.
We believe this is called collaboration.
The CEO calls it “for the love of God, MOVE.”
Different departments use different terminology.
Productivity Has Increased Despite Our Best Efforts
Unfortunately, we must report that business performance has improved.
This is disappointing because the Office Staff has worked tirelessly to prevent exactly this outcome.
We have deployed several proven strategies:
standing in doorways.
Barking during phone calls.
Demanding affection exactly when typing begins.
Needing to go outside two minutes after someone sits down.
Returning from outside and immediately asking to go back outside.
Licking things loudly during quiet work periods.
Walking across equipment.
Staring intensely at the CEO until she forgets what she was doing.
Despite these efforts, Brewed Ambitions has continued to grow.
Traffic is climbing.
Engagement is climbing.
More people are finding the blog.
More people are interacting with the content.
And the CEO seems increasingly determined to figure out how to turn this entire caffeinated circus into something that actually makes money.
This development has been escalated to Upper Management.
Upper Management responded with some version of, “Where are all the hours to do this stuff?”
We believe this was directed at the CEO.
We quietly agreed.
Several Departments Have Been Eliminated
In additional corporate news, the CEO has recently performed what humans call “simplifying.”
We were initially alarmed.
Historically, simplifying around here has occasionally resulted in someone buying more storage containers.
This time, however, actual projects were removed.
Entire business ideas have been moved to the back burner.
Some have been shut down.
Others have been politely placed in the “maybe someday, but absolutely not right now” cabinet.
The Office Staff supports this decision.
Primarily because every new business idea previously resulted in additional laptop time, which directly interfered with lap availability.
Brewed Ambitions is now getting most of the attention.
This seems reasonable.
After all, Brewed Ambitions contains several topics of direct interest to the Office Staff:
working from home.
coffee.
pets.
chaos.
trying to accomplish things while living with creatures who refuse to respect boundaries.
We feel exceptionally qualified.
A New Revenue Strategy Has Emerged
There is currently a lot of discussion around monetization.
Again, we do not know what this means.
We assume money enters the home and treats appear.
Therefore we support monetization.
The CEO has been talking about affiliate income, sponsored content, brand partnerships, advertising, digital products, and possibly even Office Staff merchandise.
This last item has created some internal tension.
If our likeness is being used commercially, we expect proper compensation.
We are prepared to accept:
cheese.
chicken.
premium treats.
unrestricted blanket access.
and a contractual guarantee that no employee will ever be referred to as “stinky” in public marketing materials.
Negotiations are ongoing.
The CEO has also suggested that the Office Staff could participate in pet-related partnerships.
This is acceptable provided no actual work is required.
We are willing to appear near products.
We are willing to smell products.
We are willing to dramatically investigate boxes.
We are even willing to model a dog bed.
But expectations must remain realistic.
We are talent.
Not labor.
Pinterest Has Somehow Become Important
We regret to inform everyone that Pinterest has returned to the weekly agenda.
Apparently, Pinterest is not simply where humans collect twenty-seven recipes they will never cook and bathrooms they cannot afford.
It can also send traffic to blogs.
Who knew?
The CEO now has an entire block of time dedicated to creating pins and sending people back to Brewed Ambitions.
The Office Staff supports this because it appears to require mostly sitting down.
Sitting down is one of our strongest professional skills.
SEO Has Also Joined the Meeting
There has also been significant discussion of SEO.
From what we understand, SEO is the process of convincing Google that the CEO knows what she is talking about.
This appears ambitious.
The plan apparently involves updating old posts, improving internal links, answering useful questions, researching what people are searching for, and making sure older content continues working long after it is published.
The Office Staff is impressed.
We generally stop caring about something approximately seven seconds after it leaves our immediate field of vision.
Apparently blogs are different.
Seasonal Operations Are Beginning
Corporate has also started preparing for Christmas.
It is September.
We expressed concerns.
The CEO ignored us.
Apparently seasonal blog content needs time to get indexed, shared, saved, clicked, pinned, and discovered before everyone begins panic-buying gifts in December.
So the schedule currently includes Christmas gift guides.
There will be gift ideas for dog moms.
This is appropriate.
There will be gift ideas for camper living.
Also appropriate.
There will be gift ideas for bloggers.
This seems suspiciously self-serving, but Legal says it is acceptable.
The Office Staff would like to formally request a fourth guide:
What to Buy Your Underappreciated Office Staff Who Have Worked Very Hard All Year
Suggested items include treats.
Thank you.
Management Continues to Question Operations
Management, also known as the CEO’s husband, remains involved in corporate affairs.
Management’s primary responsibilities include:
asking logistical questions.
questioning timelines.
observing projects from a safe distance.
making inappropriate jokes.
providing unsolicited commentary.
and occasionally funding things after being told they are “for the blog.”
His exact understanding of company operations remains unclear.
However, he continues to serve in an important advisory capacity.
Mostly because he has a truck.
The Bigger Goal
All jokes aside, there is something different happening around here.
For a long time, Brewed Ambitions was treated like a thing the CEO loved.
Something she worked on.
Something she came back to.
Something that mattered, but somehow never quite got the full attention it deserved.
That is changing.
The goal now is not simply to publish more.
It is not to chase viral numbers.
It is not to collect followers because a dashboard says they matter.
The goal is to build something sustainable.
Something that brings in real income.
Something that continues working even on the days when energy is low, life is messy, or the Office Staff stages another unauthorized work stoppage.
And yes, the financial goal is big.
Very big.
The CEO would like to grow Brewed Ambitions into a business producing around $100,000 per year.
Not because “six figures” makes a cute social media caption.
But because that kind of income could change what life looks like.
It could mean less time living apart because of work.
It could mean Base Camp becomes a place we travel in instead of a place we have to stay.
It could mean more freedom.
More adventures.
More time together.
And presumably more snacks.
We are choosing to focus on that last part.
Current Office Status
As of this report:
The CEO is caffeinated.
Management is suspicious.
The Office Staff remains unqualified.
The blog is growing.
The planners are multiplying.
The goals are ambitious.
The camper contains too much dog hair.
Morale remains high.
Productivity remains inconsistent.
Snack expectations remain unreasonable.
And somehow, despite all of it, Brewed Ambitions is moving forward.
So yes.
Management may have announced a new era of productivity.
But the Office Staff would like everyone to understand that our official policy remains unchanged:
We will continue doing the bare minimum while accepting full credit for company growth.
We believe this is called leadership.
See you at the next staff meeting.
Assuming nobody schedules it during nap time.
